Left on Read

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Do you know those people who constantly demand a reply right away? Those suffocating folks who throw a fit if you take more than 5 minutes to respond? Or somebody who might not get outwardly angry at you for a few minutes of delay, but they send subtle (or not so subtle) hints about you being slow, creating constant pressure. We all know somebody like that, and most of us fear becoming one of them, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants to be seen as extremely clingy or needy. We try to be understanding and reasonable with our expectations of others.

However, like everything taken to extremes, being too accepting of others’ attitudes can become detrimental to ourselves. What do I mean by that? Being too forgiving about when people reply to you could be keeping people in who should be out. That our “playing it cool” or pretending to be “blasé” could just be acceptance of disrespect.

People always have excuses.

“Oh, you know I get distracted.”
“I read it, but I forgot to reply.”
“Ah, I got busy yesterday, sorry.”
Or even:
“I was too tired to answer.” (This one usually happens when the reply needed is a matter of 5 words or less.)

Apparently, answering “Nope, sorry” costs a lot of energy for some people. Yet, you see them online. You see them posting on Instagram. You see them using their phones all day, every day. Obviously, I am not talking about people who usually respond in a timely manner and let something slip once a year. I’m talking about people who constantly do that. And for some reason, we are starting to think this is okay—that not getting a response from people who should be your friends is not a big deal, that it means nothing. Or that taking a whole day to answer one sentence is reasonable. All of this is tragically ironic, considering that “I am worthy” is almost like a mantra these days.

Maybe we should create some red flags for friendships, mantra style? I don’t know. But the reality is, if someone constantly “forgets” to answer you, they just don’t think you are that important to begin with. Also, they don’t care about how you are going to feel being left on read. No, this is not their ADD/ADHD/Depression. No, this person doesn’t forget to reply to everybody in their lives all the time. If they have a crush on somebody, I can promise you that they will not “just forget” to reply. Even better: try offering them a large sum of money, as a test. See how fast they answer. Suddenly, they are very willing to quickly respond. Life is about priorities. You give attention to what is important to you. It just happens that you are not a priority to them.

This article that you are reading right now is a little bit more than a “He’s just not that into you, friendship/everybody version.” It doesn’t end here. We have to understand that, if we don’t respect our time and effort, we let people into our lives who won’t respect them either. Time is the most valuable resource that we have in life. It’s the only one that you can’t make back; you only lose. When you set the bar too low, you waste it on people who don’t even bother thinking that they are being disrespectful towards you. When somebody is constantly not answering you in a reasonable time (or not responding at all), they either don’t want to respond because it’s a burden to them to talk to you, or they have completely forgotten about your existence after seeing your message. Neither of those possibilities is worth your time. People who only remember you or respond when it’s convenient for them cannot be called friends.

We all have our own different sets of reasons to cling to friendships that are bad for us. No matter what they are, the results are always the same. It’s just not worth it. Even if you are extremely lonely, it’s not worth it. It’s not just about receiving a message every now and then instead of receiving none—it’s about respect, and showing that you deserve to be treated well. Let the words of the mantra of the 2020s become reality. You are worth receiving a reply. You are worth being remembered. You are worth being seen as a priority, and definitely way more than a disposable person. You are worth having real friends.

He is certainly a good man… But is he a good match for you?

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So, sometimes we find people that are nice. Somewhat of a rare occurrence nowadays, especially if you are in the dating scene. You finally come across one, start talking to him, and soon a date happens. You notice how this person treats you well, and you try to focus on that instead of focusing on how you guys are tremendously different from the get-go. Let’s give it a chance, it might work, right?

Let’s say that you are a homebody, and you’d rather interact with only one friend at a time. Not only that, but you also need a considerable gap between those social events. They drain you, and you don’t really like leaving your house on top of that. The guy you’re talking to, on the other hand, is a person who likes to go camping every weekend and never misses a party. You like artsy movies, something he certainly does not like, and his concept of a good movie is a good amount of explosions and cars. You don’t like drinking, while he loves to drink with his buddies. You like cats, and really dislike dogs, while he is the opposite of that.

Even though his invitations are a little bit different from what you’d have picked for a fun time, you enjoy having this nice person around. After all, he is so nice to you, and treats you with so much respect! Eventually, you guys take the next step and move from occasional dates to a real relationship.

You try to make things work. You try to go camping with him, even though you absolutely hate it. He stays in with you, but you see that within a couple of hours, he gets agitated like a child who ate a whole bowl of candy. You try to pretend that you enjoy spending time with his friends while you really don’t. He says that the movies that you like ‘are okay’, and he ‘can’ watch them with you. These compromises seem to make none of you happy. How can you enjoy the movie you want to watch with him if, even though he is smiling, you feel like he is dying on the inside?

It’s either both of you making a lot of effort to make this work and not getting good results, or spending a lot of time separately, maybe even more time apart than the first weeks back when you two were still just dating and barely knew each other. You feel like it’s either misery and a lot of effort or growing apart.

You go to therapy, and you also talk to people about this. You tell them “I just want him to spend more time with me”. You want a solution for this…

But there’s no solution. Well, there’s one solution, but you really don’t want to even consider it.

After all, this guy does treat you well. He does things for you. He wants you around too (despite the fact that there’s never a moment when both of you are completely happy together). How can you break up with a person who treats you well?! There are so many women out there complaining about all the douchebags they’ve met, and you’ve met quite a few too! How could you let this guy go? Wouldn’t love be enough to fix this situation?

But is it really love? Or is it fear of not finding anybody better?

The truth is, you are holding onto this guy not because you love him, but because you believe that nobody else will treat you well. The scarcity of “good candidates” is making you stay with this man, not love. You don’t love him, you love the idea of the person he could become if he changed most of his characteristics. You might even like some attributes that he has, but you don’t like him as a whole, as who he really is. You are feeling miserable either because you are trying to become more like him or trying to turn him a bit more like you when the reality is that you two are like water and oil. Two completely different universes. If you had somebody already and met him, you’d probably just say that he is a nice person, but you wouldn’t even become his friend.

I am not saying that there are not a lot of nasty people out there, and I’m also not saying that finding a good person is easy. But him being a good person is not enough. You need to love this person for what he is. The sooner you let go of this “ghost” or idea of him, the better. If you want to turn him into somebody else, or you want to turn yourself into somebody else to spend more quality time with him, that is a very good indication that he is not the man for you.

Many women complain about getting older and things getting more and more difficult when it comes to romance, but they end up spending a lot of unnecessary time holding onto men who are not a good fit for them. Two years invested in a person who is not a good match for you is two years wasted that could have been spent looking for that one person, the real one. 

Am I undeniably saying that you will find someone better? No. However, just picking a guy because he treats you well is like ordering food and being extremely happy just because it didn’t come with strands of hair in it. It’s just the basics. Believe it or not, you should expect to be treated well by everyone around you. 

If that did not make you stop and think about your situation, let’s finish with this one: people crave intimacy, not just for the body, but the soul too. If you and your partner are complete strangers, the threat of a future affair or divorce is extremely high. Let alone that, when old age comes and sex drive is not even that important for some, what is left? The friendship, the emotional bond.

For the women out there who have their biological clock ticking: you might say that you just want a good father for your future children… Sure, he will probably be a good father… Well, to be honest, we can’t 100% guarantee that he will be a good father, but let’s just pretend that we are absolutely sure that that is the case. Is this all you need? Really? Your husband ideally should be your best friend. Someone who enjoys doing things with you. And you should also think the same way – that activities with your husband should be, in their great majority, effortless and pleasant. If you are completely different, as I mentioned before but I’m going to repeat myself here, the threat of divorce or affairs is very real. What I mean here is: that he might still be a good father, but he might still divorce you and live somewhere else. He might still cheat. He might still work late, and god knows what he could be doing. You might feel lonely and end up in an affair, ruining this marriage yourself. If you don’t see these possibilities as good outcomes, I’d ask you to reconsider.

No, there’s not always a chance

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Let’s talk about a concept that some relationship coaches constantly talk about – that if you’ve had a relationship with a person previously and they broke up with you, there’s always a chance of them coming back to you in the future.

First of all, that is a lie. It’s not just a lie. It’s a disservice.

Imagine that somebody broke up with you just yesterday. The “love of your life” decided that you guys are not meant to be. So, after possibly the heaviest and longest walk or drive home, you lie on your bed (because your body feels like it weighs five tons) and pull up YouTube. You start looking for answers. “Is it really over?” “Will he/she come back?” “How long does it take for an ex to come back?” (I personally love this last one, it’s like everybody behaves the same way, right?)

I get you. Looking for answers that don’t exist is normal. We crave certainties, especially when it comes to love. After all, we can always get another job, even if the previous one was supposedly your dream job. Deep down you know that there might be another one that is just like it, or even better. This could even indicate the perfect moment for a career change. But when we lose the person we claim to be the love of our life, that’s it – it’s that person or nothing. There’s no substitute. So we start freaking out, looking for answers to soothe our souls. We look for people who will tell us that this might be (or rather, is!) temporary and that everything will be okay in the end. We just have to keep the faith and maybe follow this or that step given to us through our screen.

But here’s the problem: no, there’s not always a chance of them coming back. No, if you guys shared this type of connection previously, you will not be connected forever. It takes two to tango. The other person might have unplugged your connection to them already, maybe that was even done a while ago and you just did not notice. They might have even gotten a pair of gigantic symbolic shears to cut the connection cord.

When a relationship coach tells you that the connection will be there forever, it keeps you stuck waiting for that person to come back. It’s what you want to hear, but not what you need to hear. You just won’t move on with your life. Why would you, anyway? If you believe that you have this almost magical connection between you guys, why would you even waste your time moving on? Just sit there, and wait for the love of your life to come back. Why try something with someone else, and be at risk of your ex seeing you with this new person and not approaching you because you are “taken”? No, let’s make ourselves completely available for the next week, month, year… maybe decade. Maybe more than a decade? I mean, when the time is right your ex will come back… right? And so, this Disney-type of delusion keeps on feeding itself. Let alone the new delusion that might fall right onto your lap, like a gift from hell: “They will see how long I’ve been waiting for them and how much I suffer, so they will come back.”

All of this, albeit tremendously damaging to one’s life, is not even the worst-case scenario.

Let’s now consider an abusive person seeing these same videos when the ex-partner finally breaks free.

Abusive partners get into whirlpools of romantic delusions too. This type of message being sent by our dear coach makes the situation for the person who has finally broken the chains a lot more complicated. It definitely feeds stalking behavior and unwanted messages. It also feeds the idea that the ex is theirs, no matter what. This type of thought is already common among abusers, but hearing that from someone else definitely gives it a boost; it basically confirms what they think.

With all that being said, this idea that “the love we shared will bond us forever”, “there’s always a chance with an ex”, “they will always think about you, you belong to their life story” or even things like “they blocked you because they can’t handle their feelings for you” only makes heartbroken people stuck in life. Unable to go on despite the suffering, and make disturbed people even more insane and perhaps (more) dangerous.

Lastly, to those who are looking for these borderline esoteric messages and trying to decrypt “codes” from an ex in the hopes that they are crying at night thinking of you, please, try to move on. I’m not saying that ex-partners never come back, but you cannot depend on this. Don’t be delusional. Your life is not a Hallmark movie. You have to move on thinking that they won’t come back, even if every single cell of your body wishes the contrary. If they eventually come back, and the time is right for YOU, fantastic. If the time is bad, it’s their loss. And, hell, after a while, you might even realize that that person was not “the one” after all.

You Could Be Helping a Stalker Without Even Knowing

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Even though this website focuses on general relationship problems, and I am by no means a professional in protection against stalking, I believe we should address the subject of stalking, and how we could possibly be helping a perpetrator without even knowing. So let’s talk about it.

There are numerous misconceptions about stalkers. One significant misconception is that all stalkers are socially awkward and creepy. Many wouldn’t believe that a tall, handsome man, in good shape, wearing stylish clothes, and speaking politely and eloquently, could be a stalker.

The same holds for women. Most people find it challenging to conceive that a woman could be a stalker at all. To complicate matters further, would you ever consider a girlish, frail-looking 20-year-old who also appears very shy to be a stalker? I can guarantee you that the vast majority of people would not be able to grasp the idea of that being remotely possible.

The thing is, anybody – and I mean ANYBODY – could be a stalker. Skin color, height, weight, age, social status, or even the level of education does not matter. You could look up information about who is most likely to be one, but that’s it – just a likelihood. Exceptions still exist, and they also cause damage. Moreover, statistics only show what has been reported. Many people are currently being stalked and are not telling anybody about it, and some victims don’t even realize they are being stalked. Not reporting doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering or in danger. Not knowing right now doesn’t mean they won’t find out in the future. Many stalkers linger in the shadows for a while before getting noticed.

With all that being said, what would you do if a good-looking person asked you about your friend’s location or some other sensitive information? The victim doesn’t have to be your friend; it could be your fellow student, your customer, or your neighbor.

Let’s stick with the random name Anna for the rest of this article to simplify things, but remember that Anna could also be Adam. All genders and people of all ages are susceptible to stalking. For illustration purposes, we’ll assume the stalker is a man, but it could be a woman too.

“I lost Anna’s phone number, can you give it to me? I need to talk to her.”
“Do you know Anna’s new address? I knocked on her door and someone else opened it. They said she doesn’t live there anymore.”
“I didn’t know Anna’s married! Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Is my friend still studying here? I can find her. Her name is Anna.”

Answering any of these seemingly innocent questions could provide a stalker access to his or her victim, potentially reigniting a nightmare for someone who managed to escape them.

You don’t have to ignore the person. After all, you don’t know if this particular individual has ill intentions or not. However, here are some simple steps that could help prevent stalking behavior in our society:

1. In case you can’t tell if the person knows you are friends with or you have information about the other person, tell them you don’t know, and ask them for their name, e-mail, or cellphone in case you find something out (if you think it’s necessary and/or you think Anna might want to contact this person who is looking for her):

“Hey, does Anna take some classes with you? She’s kinda tall and has long brown hair. I studied with her in high school…” “Hm, can’t remember” (if the person doesn’t ask for any information other than that, this should be enough) Make sure to tell your friend/acquaintance about this situation.

However, if the question is:
“Hey, does Anna take some classes with you? She’s kinda tall and has long brown hair. I studied with her in high school, I need to talk to her about —… Do you have her phone number or something?”
“Hm, I’m not sure if I know her. I’ll pay attention next time I’m in class. If I see her, do you want me to give her your name/phone number/email so she can reach out?”
Then talk to Anna about this person, and see if she wants to share her information with him or if she wants the contact information. Make sure to tell Anna what this person looks like. Keep in mind that this person could be impersonating someone else.

Why should you be vague when you can: If the stalker doesn’t know where Anna is studying, for example, he might look for possibilities and even ask strangers for information. Some stalkers go specifically for people who would be unaware of anything that is going on. If you think about it, this makes complete sense.

2. If the person is sure about you being friends (or having some other type of connection) with this person, you’ll have to be more blunt:

“Hey, I saw that you work with Anna. She studied with me in high school. I need to get in touch with her; can you give me her phone number? I lost it.”
“Sorry, I don’t give information without consent. I’ll ask her about it. Can you give me your name and some way she can reach out to you?”

The same goes here, talk to Anna about the incident and tell her what this person looks like.

3. “I heard/saw that Anna is dating a new guy. What’s his name?”

If you want (and have) the opportunity to pretend that you don’t know, do that. However, you can also be blunt about it and say that you don’t give information without consent.

Sometimes, stalkers go for information about their victim’s romantic partners. Some victims, unable to hide themselves for whatever reason, conceal information about their partners to avoid not only giving the stalker more content to look up but also to protect these people. It’s not unheard of that stalkers sometimes harass potential or present partners of the victim.

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Another important thing to keep in mind is that the stalker doesn’t have to be a stranger. The stalker could be, for example, a friend in common, or even a family member.

Remember, just like with any other criminal offense, it’s not because this person is your friend that they can’t commit the act of stalking. We tend to think that people close to us are unable to do terrible things. The truth is, at least most criminals out there have friends and family.

Why should I be this careful?
Think about it this way: If you are not close to Anna, you might not know everything that is going on in her life. Also, she could be the quiet type and might not be willing to tell everybody about this situation. Some victims do not share this type of information at all.

But what about social media? It’s not like the stalker couldn’t get this information otherwise… Should I take all of this so seriously?
Let’s say that Anna has a way of communication, perhaps a private Instagram account. If Anna supposedly knows this person, why can’t he (or she) simply ask her those questions directly? That’s a question you should ask yourself. The second possibility is: If Anna doesn’t have any way to be found (at least easily or at all) on the internet, maybe it’s because she does not want to be found.

Simply put, never share any sensitive information about someone else without their consent, no matter who asks for it. Obviously, you’d never do that (or at least I hope you wouldn’t) on purpose, but sometimes, if we don’t keep this in mind, we might let things slip without even knowing how dangerous that could be.

You should feel slighted

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So, I came across this advice column that really got under my skin. It jolted me out of my perfectionism rut and nudged me into writing my first article. What triggered me? A woman in her 70s spilled her feelings about feeling snubbed in her marriage in a recent Morningstar column.

Let’s get into it.

Imagine this: You pack up and move to another country to be with your partner, footing most of the bills – understandable if that’s your arrangement.

Now, here’s where it gets messy. You decide in your will that if you pass away first, your property and half of your US Social Security will go to your husband – fair enough. But take a look at your husband’s will, and there you have it! Everything is set to go to a cousin’s 10-year-old grandson, leaving you high and dry.

The advice columnist downplays it, saying it’s all good. Hold on, not in my book.

Let’s break it down: You make this life-altering move, carrying most of the financial load, and even throw your husband into your will. Meanwhile, he hasn’t made the same sacrifice, doesn’t reciprocate the effort, and forgets about you in his will.

And don’t forget the 10-year-old wildcard. The age that he will be when receiving this inheritance doesn’t matter – what matters is your husband prioritizing his family legacy over your well-being, completely disregarding the mountains you moved to be with him.

In essence, you’re not just investing in the present but also securing his future even after your passing, yet he’s not reciprocating the same concern. It’s not solely about financial destitution, as you’ve made it clear that you won’t be left in dire straits if he were to pass first. The crux lies in his apparent disregard for your welfare in his plans. While you’re putting considerable effort into this relationship, he seems to be falling short when it comes to acknowledging and safeguarding your well-being, both now and in the future.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture of your relationship. Neglect in significant matters often mirrors smaller, daily neglect. Maybe that seemingly perfect life you’re painting hides subtle egotistical acts. Red flags usually don’t come alone; they bring friends. Recognizing them could be the first step to a healthier relationship.

In conclusion, the issues you’ve brought to light are significant. Whether this prompts a reassessment of your relationship or simply serves as a wake-up call, dealing with these concerns is crucial